Things Only Parents Say

When you become a parent, you hear sentences coming from your mouth that you never thought you would say. Here are a few of my favourites from the past eleven months. 

  1. “Don’t lick the door. Don’t make me come and get you.” “Door” is also interchangeable with wall, window, floor, Mummy’s hair – anything you definitely wouldn’t want to lick yourself. I’m just glad we don’t have a furry animal!
  2. “Ow! Don’t hit me with biscotti!” Small child + baby biscotti = possibly one of the most middle-class parenting quotes of the century. 
  3. “Don’t put chicken on Mummy’s head.” Well, I did bend down next to the high chair to pick up the cup he had just thrown on the floor. What did I expect?
  4. “No, don’t eat the ‘F’.” When giving small child your Fiorelli purse to entertain them while you pack the shopping, make sure they can’t swallow any letters. It doesn’t help their speech development. (Note: Child did not actually detach the letter, just tried to chew it while it was safely attached to the purse.)
  5. “Don’t eat Daddy’s freckles.” Sitting thinking he was picking them off his arm one by one and putting them in his mouth did keep him entertained for a good few minutes though – Daddy is very freckled. After a while he got fed up as he wasn’t getting anywhere, grabbed a handful and shoved them in his mouth. No Daddys were hurt in the process. 
  6. “Ok, bring the whale with you. Hold on to it tight.” Said while getting small child out of the bath with small squirty toys in it. Very misleading if overheard out of context and could lead to listeners believing you have birthed some kind of Herculean child. 
  7. “Are you eating cheese off the floor?” Make child lovely dinner. Child throws lovely dinner on floor. Ten minutes later, when you look away for a second, child escapes to kitchen and eats dinner off floor. 

I’m sure there are many more that I’ve forgotten in the haze of looking after a baby, and I’m sure there will be many more, funnier moments in the years to come. 

I’d love to hear some of your favourite #ThingsOnlyParentsSay. Please share them in the comments, tweet me @theimprovingmum or find me on Facebook. 

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